Last night I watched the movie Complete Unknown about a woman (played by Rachel Weisz) who continually reinvents herself, leaving an old life behind and creating a new one in a different country along with a whole new persona - from geisha-style magician’s assistant to biologist studying frogs to ER nurse to teacher. How she manages to fake being an ER nurse is beyond me but let’s just ignore that for the sake of this discussion.
“There’s this moment when you’re a blank slate. I realised I could be anyone I wanted. I could live a thousand lives." – Complete Unknown
Although a lot of this character’s behaviour in the movie makes one think she’s in dire need of professional help there is something quite appealing in throwing off the old life and starting anew; pretending the past never happened and in turn not being weighed down by all that went on there.
When deciding to start a blog I planned on writing anonymously in a bid to begin again as someone else. I wanted to feel free to express my thoughts, opinions, and beliefs without judgement. I knew this freedom would allow me to be more arrogant, more politically incorrect, more opinionated, less tolerant, less polite, less worried what people might think of me and my writing. Also, I wanted to be someone other than Grief Girl - the girl (well, that part’s easy now that I have crows feet and saggy boobs) with the dead parents, the person struggling with depression, medication withdrawals, and self-doubt.
I convinced myself that if I could throw all of it away it would somehow cease to exist.
But then just as I was about to hit the PUBLISH button on the blog page I thought, “screw it.” As much as I’d like to remain hidden, as scared as I am that people will read my rants and think I’m a crazy talentless bitch, there’s a part of me that wants to find out if I’m alone or if there are others out there who feel the way I do about the stuff that irritates me, enrages me, delights me.
And also, if I were to flee like the character in movie I would feel weak in the knowledge that I ran, that I couldn’t face things; couldn’t face myself.
But still, reinvention is so goddamned appealing isn’t it?
I’m curious… What would you do, who would you be, if you could start over? What would you do if you knew no one was watching; no one was judging?