CHICKEN SOUP FOR YOUR HOLE
This weekend I’m eating baby food for breakfast, steaming my vagina, and then when it’s all moist and my pores are open I’m going to shove a jade egg right up in there, and then while my egg is stewing in my own personal slow cooker I’m going to grind up some coffee beans, rub them all over my body and lay back and have a vampire facial.
Why? you may ask. Because a celebrity said so, that’s why!
Celebrities are smarter and wiser than us. And with all that money at their disposal they know all there is to know about the best products and techniques right? Medical science and education be damned!
So, to celebrate the news that Gwyneth Paltrow is teaming up with American Vogue’s Anna Wintour to create a print magazine based on her silly, ill-informed, and sometimes harmful lifestyle website Goop here’s a selection of health and beauty tips from some of our not-so-best, and definitely not-our-brightest, starting with three of Gwyneth’s most popular pieces of beautifying bullshit.
1. Jade Eggs For Your Vagina
Most women shed eggs on a monthly basis but according to Gwyneth we should be popping some back in there for the sake of our sexual health. Forget Chicken Soup For The Soul this is Chicken Soup For Your Hole. For just $66 you can buy what Goop says is, a “guarded secret of Chinese royalty in antiquity” used by “queens and concubines” to balance their hormones, increase their orgasms and feminine energy, and tighten their vaginas for the pleasure of their men. Let’s hear it for the art of pleasing your man cloaked in female empowerment! Goop’s ‘expert’ suggests sleeping with the egg inserted but you can even walk around with it inside of you, just as long as you tense your vaginal muscles all the goddamn day. And when you’re ready to be rid of you just squat and do the chicken and lay that egg.
Okay, so the jade egg isn’t really an egg, it’s actually a piece of jade in the shape of an egg, kind of like a Kinder Surprise without the fun of the surprise.
So, just ignore the fact that jade is porous and can hold bacteria which can lead to a host of problems and that vagina’s are designed to take care of themselves… ignore the science and get out credit card and head to Goop. You owe it to your vagina.
* Loved by Gwyneth and friends… and some Real Housewives of Atlanta
2. Vaginal Steam Clean
No, a hot beefy bloke doesn’t come to you door with a smarmy smile, a pump and a hose. The Korean Mugworth V-Steam (sounds like something from a Harry Potter-themed porno) involves sitting on a “throne” above a bowl of piping hot water infused with mugworth and other herbs while a tube directs the scalding hot steam towards your vagina. And hey, if you’re really flexible you can bend down and clear your sinuses while you’re at it.
* Gwyneth and friends love a good cookout
3. The Sex Dust Smoothie
Get your body primed for that hot date by drinking a smoothie with 2 teaspoons of Gwyneth Platrow’s sex dust. No, this is not the dust bunnies that have gathered on Gwyneth’s jade egg as it sits on her bedside table waiting for another trip into the void but a specially formulated super duper blend of stuff that you can find at any decent supermarket or health food store but with a pinch (or heavy helping) of Gwyneth’s special invisible sparkly celebrity dust.
* At $30 for a 1.5oz jar Gwyneth and friends swear by it.
4. Deep Colon Cleanse
Now I’ve had some major internal exams due to stomach issues so I feel qualified to say that if you’re willing to pay big bucks for ‘regular colonic irrigation sessions’ then you sure as shit are so full of shit that you probably need to have the shit sucked out of you on a regular basis. You’ll probably experience some nausea and vomiting, and maybe an infection, but illness can be a great cleanser (and weight reducer) too! Woo Hoo for poo!
In the words of shit sucking aficionado Simon Cowell, "It's so cleansing - and it makes my eyes shine brighter."
* Other stars who are so full of shit they need to get rid of some are Madonna and, you guessed it, Gwyneth Paltrow.
5. The Baby Food Diet
Designed by celebrity personal trainer, Tracy Anderson, who clearly can’t be bothered cooking, this diet guarantees you’ll lose weight because you’ll be only eating enough to sustain a small child. Sure you’ll be hungry, you won’t get the nutrients your body needs, and you’ll be dying for something with actual taste but hey, you’ll look great in that dress you’re planning to wear to your school reunion. But keep this in mind - there’s a reason babies spit this shit at their parents, on the floor, and all over themselves.
* Jennifer Aniston, Madonna, Lady Gaga have gagged on this one.
6. Oil Pulling
Coffee be damned! Oil is the new morning ritual. Simply go to your kitchen cupboard, grab that bottle of olive oil and knock back a mouthful then swish it around in your mouth for 20 minutes. I mean, who doesn’t have spare time in the morning to do a bit of swishing? Apparently, it will be worth your while because that oil spill in your mouth is actually pulling out your toxins, or at the very least it prepares your mouth for some super smooth cock sucking… if that’s your thing.
* Guess what? Gwyneth Paltrow fancies this one too.
7. Coffee Bean Cellulite Reducer
Grind up some coffee beans, mix them with some coconut oil to make a paste that you can rub all over your body whilst in the shower. The rough texture will get rid of those dead skin cells and the caffeine apparently boosts your circulation. And as an added bonus you’ll smell like a latte for the rest of the day. Just watch out for all those tired, cranky people in need of an afternoon pick-me-up wanting to lick you. “Feeling tired, you should literally kiss my arse.”
* Halle Berry loves to smell of coffee in the morning.
8. Urine Testing On The Fly
If you enjoyed doing those fun colour-changing litmus tests in high school science class this could be the celebrity fad for you. Just carry a little pH testing kit in your purse and whenever the urge takes you just squat somewhere – but be careful you don’t lose that jade egg - and test the pH levels in your urine because an acidic body is a potentially diseased body. Too much acid means you’re eating too much crap. Thanks to urine testing and the alkaline diet Elle MacPherson says, “I don’t worry about wrinkles… I tackle internal ageing by nourishing my cells from the inside.” Uh hmm, methinks there might also be a trace of botulism residue in that there urine.
* Along with Elle other piss takers are Victoria Beckham, Chris Hemsworth, and, drum roll please… Gwyneth Paltrow.
9. The Vampire Facial
No, this isn’t the facial enjoyed by vampires the fantasy world over, this is all about being your own vampire. Blood is taken from your arm, given a centrifugal spin to separate the lighter platelet rich plasma which is then “activated with calcium chloride to release growth factors” that apparently increase collagen production when injected all over you face with tiny needles. Yep, that’s right folks. Giving blood… back to yourself. Is it painful? Hell no, not if your face is paralysed by Botox.
Note: I’ve just thought of a new fad that is sure to make me rich. I’m going to suggest that celebrities start collecting their menstrual flow in one of those little silicone menstrual cups and inject that into their face. I’ll call it the ‘No More Aging, Period’ or ‘Stop the Flow of Time’ or ‘Menses Makes Good Senses’. I’m open to suggestions.
* Kim Kardashian loves the vampire facial. Of course she does. It’s the narcissist’s dream facial. I, and I alone, have everything I need. I am my own beauty treatment.
10. Waist Training
Experience the breathless joy of being a woman in the 1800s by wearing an elasticised corset for a few hours a day in order to shrink your waistline… and squash your ribs and your internal organs, and screw up your bowel movements all while achieving some sexy Marilyn Monroe-style laboured breathing. Or hey, if you’re like me and abhor any kind of training just do a Cher, or an Adam and Eve, if you want to get all religious, and have a couple of ribs removed.
* Jessica Alba and surprise, surprise, Kim Kardashian get off on this kind of self-inflicted torture.
11. Snail Facial
Personally, I think lazing about in your garden and letting snails crawl all over your face is a much cheaper, more natural, healthier option but apparently for just $300 you can have an organically fed snail crawl all over your face for an hour leaving a trail of “mucus packed with proteins, antioxidants, and hyaluronic acid.” The result is skin that looks all “glowy and refreshed” and probably a bit cummy too.
* For Katie Holmes this is not much of a leap after being married to slimy Scientologist Tom Cruise.
12. Vitamin Drip for Drips
Why bother ingesting healthy food and (gasp!) calories when you can get your vitamins intravenously. Boost your energy and immunity whilst living out your drama queen hypochondrical fantasies by laying back and make-believing that you have a terrible illness while large doses of B12 or whatever other vitamin you fancy is pumped through our veins.
* Rihanna, Ryan Philllipe, and Kelly Osbourne are just a few of the drips devoted to drips.
I hope you enjoyed my Faker’s Dozen. Now I’m off to begin work on my fabulous celebrity fad idea.